I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
