She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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