Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
