how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
