Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have tasted many bathrooms
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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