I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
