I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
