Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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