No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Welp...herpes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
