I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
