Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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