On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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