last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
