he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
