I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
