I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
