So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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