apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
