I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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