After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
