Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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