she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
