I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
