i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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