After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
