who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
where are my eyebrows?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize