I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
