It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
