OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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