I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
