I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
