I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
