First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
