i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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