I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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