I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
