i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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