i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
