I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
