John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
