Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
