and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
