Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize