On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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