remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
