ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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