I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
