I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you had me at cake vodka
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
