do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
