bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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