I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
