Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
