i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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