He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
