Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
