I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
