my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
